A snake confronts Kent within the confines of a dungeon
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Category: Grimmon Darkly

  • The Warlock’s Dungeon

    The Warlock’s Dungeon

    A Worry with Warlocks – Episode 5
    A snake confronts Kent within the confines of a dungeon

    Hard stone smacked into my back, replacing the soft sand I’d been lying on. The sunlight snapped out and was supplanted by a feeble orange light, which barely made it through the lung-clogging cloud of dirt whirling around me.

    I lifted my head when, moments later, the dust slowed its frantic gyrations and began to settle. Coughing and spitting, I stood, blinking the grit from my eyes as the air cleared.

    The first thing my gaze was drawn to was a flickering torch casting a sickly yellow light on the stone wall on which it was mounted. Seconds ago, I’d been in a sunlit desert and it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the gloom.

    My heart sank.

    There were coarse stone walls on all sides, a rough floor, and a stone ceiling. The doorway was blocked by an iron grille, its bars gleaming in the torchlight. Chains dangled from iron rings fastened to the walls.

    A sneeze followed by a phlegmy cough came from somewhere near my feet.

    Grimmon stirred and sat up, his face covered in dust. Grains of sand, glistening with damp, clung to his upper lip.

    “Where are we?” he said.

    “We’re in a dungeon by the look of it.” I took off my hat and banged it on my thigh to knock off the dirt.

    “Eh? I thought Akalemmo said he was sending us to his tower. Towers don’t have dungeons.”

    “There are manacles and chains fixed to the walls. I’m fairly certain this isn’t his guest suite.”

    “I wouldn’t be too sure, if were you.” Grimmon wiped his nose on his sleeve. “He might be in to that sort of thing.”

    “Well, if he is, look what happened to his last guest.” I pointed at what I had at first thought was a pile of rubbish, but now that my eyes had adjusted to the low light I had realised was a skeleton, a few rags clinging to its bones, chained to the wall.

    For the space of a few breaths Grimmon and I stared at the dead prisoner. The grinning skull’s eye sockets stared back.

    “This is all your fault, you know,” said Grimmon, getting to his feet. He banged his palms against his coat, producing a musty-smelling cloud of dust. “Akalemmo was friendly until you accused him of being a wizard. What in the world possessed you to do that?”

    “He was hardly friendly. He accused us of trespassing.” I glared at Grimmon and stepped back to avoid choking on the fetid mass of dust filling the air around him. “And he acted like a wizard. You must have seen him showing off? You know, all that arm waving and making gaudy circles of fire in the air?”

    “So what? You could have kept your mouth shut instead of provoking him!” He finished patting the dust out of his clothes, licked his fingers and used the spittle to smooth down the few wisps of hair which trailed across his mottled-green scalp.

    “It’s not my fault warlocks have chips on their shoulders. I mean, just because they don’t go to university like wizards do, doesn’t make them idiots. So, why did he act like one?”

    “At least Akalemmo seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to magic, unlike you. All you do is dabble.”

    “I don’t dabble. I confess I’m still learning, but at least I don’t go around showing off and getting offended every time someone opens their mouth!”

    Grimmon shook his head. “You really should take a closer look at yourself.”

    I huffed. “Arguing isn’t get us anywhere. We should be devoting our energy to getting out of this mess.”

    I strode over to the grille blocking the doorway and gave it a vigorous shake. It rattled but stayed firmly shut.

    “Damn you!” I yelled through the bars. “Let us out of here at once!”

    The only answer were the echoes of my voice from the corridor that lay beyond the door.

    I whirled around, my blood boiling.

    “How dare he? I’m beginning to–”

    I broke off and stared at Grimmon who was seated with his back against the wall, his jaw moving rhythmically in a chewing action. On his lap was the square of greasy paper his lunch had been wrapped in. And on that lay two blackened, burned rats. The third rat, minus its head, was in his hand.

    “What are you doing?” I asked, genuinely mystified.

    “It’s lunchtime. I’m eating.”

    “We’re locked in a dungeon along with a dead body, and all you can think about is eating?”

    Grimmon cocked his head. “I’m hungry.” He looked at me like I he thought my brain had suddenly shrunk and fallen out of my ear.

    I was about to give him a good telling off, when I spotted something else lying on the paper alongside the rats.

    “You have a knife!” I said. “Why didn’t you say so? We can use it to threaten Akalemmo! Force him to let us go!”

    I grabbed it, marched back to the grille and shouted into the corridor. “Ha! You’re a fake! You’re probably not even a proper warlock, never mind a wizard! Come down here and I’ll show you a thing or two about magic!”

    Looking over my shoulder at Grimmon, I whispered, “When he comes into the cell, you distract him. I’ll sneak up behind him and threaten him with the knife.”

    I moved next to the grille out of sight of anyone who came down the corridor towards us, my back to the wall.

    With a thundering heart, I waited.

    Nothing happened.

    Still I waited. Nothing happened again.

    “I can’t believe it! I was sure he would–” I broke off and stared at a rope dangling next to me from somewhere above my head. “That wasn’t there earlier, was it?”

    Grimmon’s forehead furrowed. “I’m not sure. I didn’t notice it until now.”

    “It must be a bell-pull,” I said. “Look, it has a tassel on the end and everything.”

    “If it’s a bell-pull, why is attached to that?” Grimmon pointed at a basket suspended from the ceiling. The rope was fastened to one side of the wickerwork.

    “It’s obvious! There must be a bell inside. When you pull the rope, the basket will rock and make the bell ring.”

    “I don’t think so. Why would anyone go to all the trouble of putting a bell inside a basket, when they could just hang a bell on its own? I have a bad feeling about it. I don’t think you should touch it.”

    “Nonsense!” I gave the rope a sharp tug.

    The basket tipped over. Something like a long, heavy piece of cord as thick as my arm, fell onto my shoulders.

    “Aaaaaaah!” shrieked Grimmon. “Snake!”

    I jumped about and dislodged the ghastly thing. It dropped to the floor and reared. With its cold, beady eyes stared into mine, it opened its mouth, hissed, and displayed its fangs.

    “Don’t panic!” I stumbled backwards a pace. “I have a spell that will sort this out!”

    “No!” Grimmon jumped to his feet, sending his rats flying. “Please don’t!”

    He was too late, for the words of magic were already leaving my lips.

    Thaumaturgical particles whirled out of the air and enclosed the snake in a cocoon of blazing blue light. 

    “You see?” I crowed. “I’ve trapped it inside a magic stasis envelope! There’s no chance it will escape from that!”

    I stepped up to the cocoon and gave it a sharp kick with the toe of my boot. There was a bright flash. My eyes filled with spots and I lurched to the rear.

    It took several seconds for my vision to clear.

    When it did, I found myself face to face with a rather large and very annoyed dragon.

    Rattling the scales along its back, it snarled, bared its teeth, and treaded towards me.

    *** Continued in episode 6 ***

    A Worry with Warlocks – Index of Episodes

  • Tresspass

    Tresspass

    A Worry with Warlocks – Episode 4
    Warlock and his tower

    I ran like the hounds of hell were after me, which, in my opinion, wouldn’t have been as horrific as what was actually snapping its pincers at my heels: an enormous mechanical scorpion with a savage thirst for my blood. A pincer snatched at my coattails and, with a squeal, I put on a burst of extra speed.

    Glancing back over my shoulder, I saw the scorpion had sped up too and was slowly gaining on me. Despite the heat of the desert, a chill swept over me. My heart was hammering like a demonic blacksmith lashing an anvil, and my legs were pumping like a locomotive’s pistons. I couldn’t last much longer. I was already tiring.

    Ahead, there was still no sign of cover, not even a rock big enough to hide behind.

    My brain was still processing the image from that glance over my shoulder, and an oddness about it struck me.

    There had been a darkish green figure hunched on the scorpion’s back.

    I glance back again.

    The figure was still there. I narrowed my eyes.

    It was Grimmon. And he was holding onto something behind the creature’s head. A lever, I realised.

    “What are you doing?” I screamed.

    As if in answer he pushed the lever forward. Twin jets of steam streamed from the beast’s rear and it picked up speed.

    It surged closer, and one of its pincers swung at me. I yelped and leaped to the side to avoid my liver being punctured.

    My tired legs had barely enough strength to send me lurching sideways again as the other pincer swept through the air at my fragile flesh. Distracted and not watching where I was going, my foot smacked into a stone, and I tumbled to the ground. A massive, spiked pincer swooped past my head, knocking off my hat.

    The scorpion skidded to a halt in a roiling cloud of dust. It raised both its pincers, looming over me like a vengeful butcher with a cleaver in each hand.

    “Eeeeeeeeek!” I screeched.

    I could see Grimmon’s face looking over the beast’s head at me. He was grinning, which seemed a little odd, and at the exact moment the scorpion’s deadly pincers started to whip down, he yanked the lever backwards. The creature’s metallic body quivered and froze, and the pincers ground to a halt only inches above my chest.

    I groaned and rolled out from under the spikes, which were still vibrating like a bishop in a brothel, and lay on my back to get my breath back.

    “What the hell were you doing?” I said, lifting my head to glare at him.

    “Don’t shout at me,” said Grimmon, giving me a hurt look. “I just saved your life.”

    “Oh really? Then why did you make the damned monster go faster?”

    “I pulled the lever the wrong way the first time.” Grimmon’s expression wouldn’t have looked out of place on the face of an angel. “You should be grateful. I risked my life to save you.”

    “Eh? What do you mean?”

    “When the scorpion chased after you, it went past me and I noticed the steam control lever sticking up at the front by its head. Without any concern for my own safety, I grabbed its tail, climbed onto its back and crawled forward to operate the lever.”

    Though I had my suspicions about his behaviour when I’d seen him on the scorpion’s back, I had to admit he’d stopped the foul beast before it had done me any harm.

    “Well, I… um… thank you,” I mumbled.

    “Could you say that again, louder? I didn’t hear what you said.”

    “Once was enough! Besides which, it’s your fault we got into this mess in the first place.”

    His eyebrows shot up. “My fault?”

    “Yes. If you hadn’t interfered with my plan to get Trewla to go on a picnic with me, I’d be with her right now – an actual nice person – instead of you.”

    “I bet she wouldn’t have jumped on the back of a terrifying creature to save your ungrateful hide.”

    “She wouldn’t have had to because, unlike you, she would have made sure the tourer’s water tank was full before we left.”

    “Ha! Why didn’t you check it before we left. Why do you leave everything to me?”

    “Because I’m a big picture person. I have the ideas, the brilliance, to make things happen. You’re a details person.” I looked down my nose at him, which wasn’t difficult what with me being horizontal. “Anyway, pass me the water bottle. I’m thirsty.”

    “What water bottle?”

    I smacked my forehead. “I can’t believe it! You didn’t bring one, did you?”

    “You’re the ideas person, remember?” He scowled at me. “But you didn’t think to remind me to bring one.”

    He had a point, but I wasn’t about to let him know that. “Right. So, we’ll just have to… um… you know…”

    “Find someone to help us?”

    “Ah!” I seized on his suggestion and pretended it was mine. “We’ll find someone to help us.” I gazed around the barren landscape. “Keep quiet while I choose a direction to go.”

    “How about there?” he said, pointing at a steep-sided hill, about a mile away, with a tower perched on top of it.

    “I think we should walk to the tower on that hill,” I said, as though I hadn’t heard him. “We’re bound to find someone there who can help us.”

    I started levering myself up, only to fall back in astonishment as the ground near my feet erupted in a boiling cloud of dust. Peppered with dirt and pebbles, I could only watch open-mouthed as the dust settled, revealing a bearded man wearing sand-coloured robes and a pointy hat standing before me.

    He twisted around, his head snapping from side to side as though looking for something. I coughed, and after a tiny jump, his gaze dropped and settled on my prostrate form.

    “Oh, there you are,” he said. He took a deep breath, stuck out his beard, and intoned, “How dare you trespass on my domain?”

    “We’re lost,” I said, summoning as much dignity I could muster in my horizontal state. “Who are you?”

    He puffed out his chest. “I am the Amazing Akalemmo!”

    As he spoke, he waved his arms in a circle in front of him. His hands left a ring of blue fire which hung in the air for a few seconds, then faded away.

    I rolled my eyes. “Ah, you’re a wizard.”

    His eyes bulged, and his face reddened.

    “Wizard?” he screeched. “A mortal insult! You will pay for that!”

    “Oh.” I sighed and my heart sank. “Let me guess. You’re a warlock.”

    “Correct!” He came closer and placed his foot on my chest. “And you are my prisoner!”

    Lifting his head, he directed his gaze at a nearby sand dune. “So are you.”

    He waved his hand and muttered. There was a surprised yelp, and something rose into the air from behind the dune.

    It was Grimmon. Coward that he is, he must have scurried off when Akalemmo had arrived.

    “To my tower, the pair of you!” bellowed the warlock.

    With that, the warlock made a peculiar gesture with his hands. Blue sparks flew from his fingers and a thick fog of dust coiled from the sands. It wrapped around us and the landscape disappeared.

    The world lurched and my body felt like it turned inside out.

    *** Continued in episode 5 ***

    A Worry with Warlocks – Index of Episodes

  • A Sting in the Tail

    A Sting in the Tail

    A Worry with Warlocks – Episode 3
    A Worry with Warlocks Steam Powered Scorpion

    The last words of the spell left my lips and, for a while, the only sound was the rustling of wind through the spiky clumps of desert grass dotting the landscape. The only thing moving was the blue smoke drifting from the steam car’s chimney.

    Grimmon opened his mouth to speak, but stopped at a scraping sound coming from the car. Our eyes were drawn to the metal cap at the top of the magnificent vehicle’s water tank, which was slowly unscrewing all on its own. With a final squeal of metal on metal, it came loose and dropped, to dangle from the short length of chain that stopped it getting lost.

    The air above the tank shimmered, and twisted, forming into a man-high, conical cloud of vapour with its point at the bottom. As we watched, the tip of the inverted cone thinned into a rope of water which poured into the tank through the opening. Splashing and gurgling like a giant bartender pouring a beer, water continued streaming into the tank until it splashed out of the top indicating it was full. The flow thinned, slowed, shed a couple of final drops, and the cloud of vapour faded away.

    The cap swung up on its chain and screwed itself back into place.

    “There! You see?” I yelled, dancing about and waving my arms. “I did it! You really should learn to trust me!”

    Grimmon’s mouth shut with a click. “I don’t believe it…”

    He looked from the car to me and back to the car. A drop of water ran down the side of the tank and splashed onto the mudguard.

    I puffed out my chest, and whistling a jaunty tune, strode towards the car. The polished brass of its bodywork gleamed in the bright sunlight, echoing the triumph swelling my breast.

    Before I had taken more than two paces, the car groaned. With its water tank full, steam was hissing from the engine’s vents. The wheels slowly started to turn, and the heavy vehicle lurched forward.

    “You didn’t close the steam valve before you got out, did you?” yelled Grimmon.

    “No… I didn’t think it mattered…” Wheezing like a politician telling the truth, I ran after the car which was gradually gathering speed as it trundled away along the trail.

    Grimmon squeaked. “You didn’t think? That’s exactly–”

    Whatever he was about to say was lost when the tourer began to exhibit extremely un-car-like behaviour. The front mudguards bulged outwards, lengthening into a pair of articulated arms whose ends thickened and formed into large nasty-looking pincers. The roof dipped and insect-like legs sprouted from the flattening body. They scuttled along the sandy desert floor while the wheels shrunk and vanished. The bodywork morphed into a low, wide, segmented thorax and abdomen. The chimney flowed to the rear and curved forward over the body. With smoke still pouring from the rear, it became a tail with a viciously spiked tip of polished brass.

    I stumbled to a halt. Any thoughts I’d had about catching up with the car and shutting the steam valve, evaporated. My beautiful tourer had transformed into a giant mechanical scorpion.

    Steam erupted from the sides of the beast as it slowed and turned to face us, snapping its pincers.

    Grimmon sidled up alongside me, and the pair of us stood rooted to the spot.

    It was difficult to see if the scorpion had eyes what with all the steel and brass plates covering its body, but I imagined the glass bits at the front, which had probably been the car’s windscreen, were what it saw out of. I definitely had the impression the creature was gazing at us as though deciding what to do.

    “I warned you not to use magic,” said Grimmon. “It went wrong just like I thought it would, and now you’ve stranded us in the middle of a desert!”

    Ignoring him, I said, “I’m sure it’s friendly. I always treated it well when it was a car.” I shuffled back a step or two. “Ask it if it wouldn’t mind giving us a lift back to the castle. We could sit on its back.”

    “If you’re so keen, why don’t you ask it yourself?”

    “You’re smaller and less edible than me.”

    “What’s that supposed to mean?”

    “Well, you know… Nothing in its right mind would want to eat you.”

    Grimmon shook his head in disbelief. “You say the most hurtful things. In any case, it’s not true. Lots of things eat goblins.”

    “Like what?”

    “Like the Gruesome Goblin-Eater of… of Gazpacho.”

    “You just made that up.” I put my hand on his back and gave him a helpful shove towards the scorpion. “Go on. Ask it.”

    Grimmon staggered, waving his arms to keep his balance.

    I tensed as twin bursts of steam streamed from the scorpion’s sides. An enormous pincer lifted, and lunged over Grimmon’s head straight at me. I leaped backwards, ducking to avoid my tender flesh being pierced and, quite probably, minced.

    The scorpion’s other pincer swept Grimmon out of the way, while the creature’s eight legs churned the desert floor, sending sand flying. With a fierce rattling of the metal plates covering its back, it surged straight for me.

    With a yell, I turned tail and ran.

    My boots pounded the ground, my breath burned in my throat, while I held onto my hat and I scanned the way ahead for somewhere to hide. The ground was mostly flat and featureless, with little apart from a few small rocks here and there to break the monotony. A range of low hills, which might have offered some kind of concealment, were too far away for comfort.

    A fearful glance over my shoulder sent my legs flying even faster. Pincers snapping, legs blurring, the beast was scurrying after me.

    And getting closer.

    *** Continued in episode 4 ***

    A Worry with Warlocks – Index of Episodes

  • Running Out Of Steam

    Running Out Of Steam

    A Worry with Warlocks – Episode 2
    Kent and Grimmon with the tourer in the desert

    “You have to admit this is fun, eh?” I said, raising my voice above the noise of steam venting from the huge pistons powering the tourer over the parched, stony ground.

    Grimmon was seated in the passenger seat next to me as I steered the great steam-powered car across the desert. In order to see out the front, he had brought a pile of cushions to sit on. What with the uneven terrain, and the car’s hard suspension, he had a tricky time stopping his precarious seat tipping him onto the floor. His knuckles showed almost white through his green skin where he gripped the door handle.

    “Look out!,” he said, his pointed ears wiggling in distress. “Watch where you’re going!”

    Flicking my attention back to the view through the windscreen, I saw the cause of his anxiety was a rocky outcrop in our path. Hiding my alarm behind a confident smile, I span the steering wheel and the huge car swerved past unscathed.

    I’d started out in a thoroughly bad mood when we’d left the castle. It didn’t seem fair that Trewla had turned down an outing with me, lumbering me instead with Grimmon, who even for a goblin, put a whole new meaning on the word grouchy. And to put not too fine a point on it, had an odour that peeled paint of walls. At least with the windows open, the fresh – if a little hot and dry – air made the atmosphere inside the car breathable.

    But once we had driven over the viaduct and left the castle behind, my spirits had lifted. Brimming with confidence at my mastery of the mechanical contraption I was driving, and my pleasure at being out in the open, I was soon humming and whistling.

    “That looks like a nice spot for a picnic,” said Grimmon, pointing out of the window.

    “Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody in their right mind picnics in a desert. Besides which, I didn’t pack a hamper.”

    “But you told Trewla you would take her on a picnic.”

    “That was to persuade her to go for a drive with me.”

    Grimmon sniggered. “How did that work out for you?”

    “You know very well how it worked out. Anyway, you can’t condemn me for trying.”

    “She’s never going to like you.” Grimmon chuckled and leered at me. “You do realise that, don’t you?”

    “It’s none of your business. And you can keep your grubby opinions to yourself.”

    Grimmon sighed and stared where he had pointed. “I still think that’s a nice spot for a picnic. It doesn’t matter you forgot the hamper. I’ve brought nibbles.” He patted the greasy paper-wrapped package bouncing on his lap. “Three delicious roasted rats.”

    “You must be joking. In any case, we don’t have time for picnics. What we’re supposed to be doing is looking for someone to buy supplies from.”

    Grimmon made a big show of gazing around the empty landscape. “Good luck with that. There’s absolutely no sign anyone lives out here.”

    At that moment we came to a track. 

    “You were saying,” I said, making no attempt to conceal my smugness.

    I turned the car onto the track and pulled the lever that increased the flow of steam to the pistons. Slowly and majestically, the car picked up speed.

    “You’re going too fast!” The car lurched over a bump, sending Grimmon tumbling from his cushions into the footwell.

    “Look at that,” My pulse raced as I glanced at the speedometer. “Eighteen miles an hour! Full speed! We’re practically flying!”

    Smoke billowed from the chimney at the front of the car. Clouds of steam hissed from the vents at either side of the powerful engine. We were bowling along at an exhilarating clip.

    A stream of words I’d rather not repeat came from the footwell where Grimmon was being thrown about as he struggled to regain his seat.

    “This is the life!” I yelled, clenching my hands harder around the steering wheel to prevent it twisting out of my grip. “This track must lead to a town or something! Soon we’ll be impressing the locals with our–”

    The engine gave a loud burp, followed by a prolonged sigh. Shuddering and groaning like a banker parting with money, the car lost speed and rolled to a halt.

    Grimmon’s wrinkled face emerged from under a heap of cushions. Pushing his meagre strands of hair back across his mottled green scalp, he stared at the gauges on the dashboard, and tapped one with a yellow fingernail. The needle swung from the top of the dial to the bottom.

    “The water tank’s empty,” he said.

    “What?” My eyebrows shot up. “Didn’t you fill it before we left?”

    “No… The gauge said it was full.”

    My blood boiled. “Which part of my instructions to prepare the tourer did you not understand?”

    “I did everything I usually do!”

    “Not good enough!” I said, opening the door and clambering out into the blazing sun. Shielding my eyes with my hand, I gazed around. “I suppose I’m going to have to sort out your mistake. It’s simply a matter of using magic to refill the water tank.” I pulled the brim of my hat more firmly around my head. “I’m sure I remember a spell for producing water. Or was it for making rain? It doesn’t matter, either will do.”

    Grimmon leaped out of the car. “No! Don’t! No magic!”

    Ignoring him, I raised my hands in a dramatic wizardly fashion and chanted a spell.

    *** continued in episode 3 ***

    A Worry with Warlocks – Index of Episodes

  • My Glorious Plan

    My Glorious Plan

    A Worry with Warlocks – Episode 1
    Trewla and Grimmon in castle kitchen

    I have a confession to make.

    Some of the things that have recently gone awry may have been my fault.

    Well, partially.

    You see, that morning when I asked Grimmon to prepare the tourer for an outing, I had no idea it would lead to the discomfort from which he claims he still suffers. On the other hand, if I’d listened to Trewla’s warnings about the world the castle had arrived in that same morning, Grimmon might be as chirpy as usual.

    Perhaps chirpy is stretching things a little, but you get the idea.

    During the night, the castle had relocated itself to yet another world, and I woke to the sun blazing through my bedroom window. In my estimation, that’s always signals a good day lies ahead, and I threw back the covers with a glad heart.

    It didn’t last.

    When I shuffled in my slippers to the window to gaze at the world the castle had moved to, my stomach dropped. I had hoped for a glorious landscape of lush green hills, or a patchwork of bountiful fields bursting with ripening crops, or tropical forests awash with colourful birds, or just about anything apart from the sight that greeted my eyes.

    Flat, bare stony ground stretched away to a distant range of arid, rocky hills. Here and there, pale green clusters of spiky bushes were the only breaks in a parched, dusty plain of brown, tan, and beige.

    The only thing that lifted my mood was the sight of the viaduct. I think I’ve mentioned before, the viaduct only appears when the world beyond the moat is deemed to be benign by whatever drives the magic behind the castle’s world hopping. If we arrive in a new world, and the viaduct isn’t there, it isn’t safe to leave the castle.

    The stone arches marching across the moat were most welcome. Despite the hostile-looking desert, I reasoned the presence of the viaduct meant the land couldn’t be too dangerous. It had been weeks since I’d been on an outing, and I was determined today was the day to go on another one.

    Besides which, Cook had informed me the day before that we had run out of cheese. And a few other necessities as well, but cheese was the most important, as far as I was concerned. A trip to replenish our supplies was required.

    I dressed as fast as my fingers could do up my buttons and made my way to the kitchen. Trewla, wearing a rather fetching dress she had borrowed from the poltergeist, was sat at a table, eating fruit from a bowl. Grimmon was in the far corner of the room tucking into a well-roasted rat. Cook was bent over a pan, suspended on chains over the fire, preparing my hopefully rat-free breakfast.

    “Good morning!” I said, breezily, as I entered. “Grimmon, my little goblin friend, finish your meal then go and prepare the tourer.” I sauntered up to Trewla and bathed her with a smile. “How would you like to go on a shopping expedition with me?”

    “Seriously?” she said. “You want me to wander aimlessly around a baking wasteland with you to look for a shop?”

    “Not aimlessly, and we won’t be wandering either. Didn’t you hear me instruct Grimmon to prepare the tourer?”

    She sighed, and slowly shook her head, sending her glorious curls swaying about her pointed ears. “What’s ‘the tourer’?”

    “Ah.” I raised my finger vertically and waggled it. “It’s a marvellous contraption. A vehicular triumph of engineering that will convey us to the farthest reaches of the desert in comfort and style.”

    Grimmon sniggered. “He means it’s a steam-powered car. More smoke, shake and rattle than comfort.”

    “Steam power?”

    “Think of it as a coal-eating dragon, belching smoke and steam, while you ride on its back,” said Grimmon.

    Trewla sniffed. “I think I’ll stay right here.”

    “Wait!” I protested. “The tourer is nothing at all like Grimmon says.” I gave the goblin a dirty look, then turned back to Trewla and added slyly. “In any case, you can’t let me go out into a strange new world on my own, surely?”

    “I’m sure you’ll be fine,” she said. “The answer is still no.”

    “But I need another pair of eyes to help me search for people, villages, towns, and whatnot. I can’t possibly do that on my own.”

    “I’ll go with you,” said Grimmon, raising his hand.

    “No!” I said, aghast. “You’re not suitable.”

    “Why not,” said Trewla, fixing me with a stony stare.

    “Well… he’s, you know, um… unpleasant.”

    “Oh? And what am I?”

    “You’re um… not unpleasant. Not at all.”

    Trewla arched her eyebrows. “That’s how you would describe me? Not unpleasant?”

    “Look, I didn’t mean it like that! You’re much more, um…”

    Cook stopped stirring the pan, and raised her head. “I’d stop talking, if I were you,” she said, wiping the sweat off her face with her apron.

    Ignoring her, I gazed at Trewla with my most honest expression, and forged ahead. “You’re much better than unpleasant, obviously.”

    She snorted, and pushed back her chair.

    My pulse quickened. “We could take a picnic with us,” I said. “Find a nice spot with a view, and enjoy ourselves.”

    Trewla was on her feet by now. “You do realise it’s a desert, right? Hot, dusty, and dry. If you get lost, you’ll die of thirst in a day.”

    “We’ll take plenty of water. Anyway, it’s far too flat to get lost in.”

    “The answer is still no.”

    “About the picnic,” said Grimmon. “Will there be rat?”

    “No. Definitely not!” I said, making surreptitious gestures at him with my fingers as a way of telling him to back off.

    “Never mind, I’ll bring my own.” Grimmon grinned at me, showing all his rodent-encrusted pointy teeth. “I’ll stoke up the tourer. See you in the garage in twenty minutes.”

    “I’m sure you boys will have a lovely time,” said Trewla over her shoulder as she left the kitchen. “Enjoy your picnic.”

    *** Continued in episode 2 ***

    A Worry with Warlocks – Index of Episodes

  • Spurred on by a Dragon

    Spurred on by a Dragon

    The grey stones of Castle Silverhill glisten in the midday sun. I’m sitting at a small picnic table in the courtyard outside the kitchen waiting for Grimmon to bring me my lunch. A large umbrella I’d borrowed from a pub garden a few worlds ago, provides pleasant shade while I admire the scenery on the other side of the moat.

    Yesterday we arrived in a landscape like something out of a painting by Constable. In the distance, a patchwork of fields stretches to the horizon, but closer to us there are no signs of civilisation, apart from a muddy track winding past a stand of beech trees near the moat. The castle has a knack for emerging from the enchanted dimensions far enough away from towns and villages so as not to cause a fuss. And the way it blends itself into the countryside when it materialises makes it look like it’s been there for hundreds of years.

    I heave a sigh. It’s not a bad existence, on the whole. Although getting the Post Office to deliver my letters can be a little problematic. The only ones that arrive without fail are bills, usually printed in red and threatening to send bailiffs around. And, once a week, a pamphlet urging me to buy pizza from a takeout place that promises to deliver within twenty minutes. I’m tempted to try it to see how they’ll manage the inter-dimensional barriers, but the pictures of the pizzas, with their lurid colours and unidentifiable toppings, puts me off.

    My attention is grabbed by something moving in the sky.

    What I’d thought was a large bird, turns out to be a dragon. And it’s flying straight towards us.

    “Perhaps we should go inside,” says a voice at my elbow.

    Grimmon was standing next to me, a plate laden with sandwiches in his hands, staring at the dragon, his greenish brow creased in a frown. Maybe it’s a goblin thing, but even in his old-fashioned buckled shoes, he can move in eerie silence. It is quite unsettling, and he knows I don’t like it when he creeps up on me.

    I hide my annoyance by being flippant. “Oh, don’t be such a ninny. I’m sure it’s friendly.”

    At that moment, the dragon screeches like a hundred bagpipes in a mud-wrestling pit.

    Spurred on by a dragon, Grimmon holds a sandwich

    I jump up, snatch the plate from Grimmon, and hurry into the kitchen.

    Seconds later the courtyard is engulfed in fire. The picnic table, chairs and umbrella burst into flames.

    The dragon screams. A long and warbling wail, as though the creature is saying something.

    “Ah,” says Grimmon, who must have been on my heels when I ran inside. “It’s complaining you haven’t finished the next book in your Hollow series.”

    “I’ve been busy.”

    “Too busy to let everyone know there’s been a delay?” said Cook.

    She had probably been standing sideways when I ran into the kitchen, for I hadn’t seen her, but as she spoke she turned to face me. Her apron, sharp-featured face and black hair were dusted with flour, her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows, and her hands were caked with dough. She looks perfectly normal from the front, but due to a backfiring spell (which I may have cast, but I’m not sure she knows that), she is two-dimensional and vanishes when she’s sideways-on.

    “All right.” I sink into a chair. “It’s taking longer than it should… I know that. The trouble is, I’ve been too busy writing the next Daphne Mayne book. It’ll probably be a few months late. I’m doing my best.”

    Cook and Grimmon both snort at the same time.

    I pretend I didn’t notice. “May I eat my lunch now?”

  • Connecting with my muse

    Connecting with my muse

    “You seem to be of the opinion,” said Grimmon, “that thinking too hard sprains the brain.”

    He really does talk like that. Goblins can be just as pompous as the rest of us.

    “Actually,” I said. “I am thinking. I’m connecting with my muse.”

    I’d been writing all morning and was taking a break outside, leaning on the battlement at the top of the castle wall overlooking the moat, gazing at the world beyond.

    The tips of Grimmon’s ears wobbled. “Your muse? Don’t make me laugh. You’re not thinking, you’re procrastinating.”

    “I’ll have you know, the words have been flowing onto the page lately.” I waved my hand like I was conducting an orchestra. “And I’m pleased with what I’ve written.”

    “Yeah, right.” Grimmon sniffed and scuffed the sole of his shoe on a flagstone. “Anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. What I wanted-”

    At that moment there was a loud bang.

    As one, we turned our heads to the building housing Castle Silverhill’s laboratory. A column of smoke billowed from a window, staining the clear blue sky a delicate shade of mauve.

    “Trewla!” I yelled, and ran down the steps to the courtyard below. A minute later, I was wading through the debris littering the laboratory’s floor, coughing as my lungs filled with smoke.

    “Trewla! Where are you?”

    “Over here,” she said, raising her head above a stained workbench and standing up. She was holding a dustpan and brush. Her hair was a wild, tangled mess, and her face and clothes were covered in soot. “What on earth’s the matter?”

    “The explosion. I thought…” I clamped my mouth shut and shook my head.

    “Oh, that. I was just a little too heavy handed with the fairy dust. Nothing to worry about.” She patted down her hair.

    “Well, be careful next time.” If I sounded gruff it was due to the dust coating my throat.

    I felt a tugging at my sleeve, and looked down to see Grimmon gazing up at me.

    “Not now, Grimmon,” I said.

    “It’s important. I’ve got a painting for you.”

    And here it is: a scene from Daphne Mayne and the Goblin Quest where Daphne is crossing a magically created bridge over a chasm and the bridge’s guardian begins to materialise.

    The guardian materialising on the bridge of the chasm
  • How to Deal with a Furious Elf

    How to Deal with a Furious Elf

    Unpleasant Encounters with Fairies – part 10
    Trewla standing outside Castle Silverhill

    Flakes of stinging snow lashed against my beak and coated my feathers. I half-closed my eyes and squinted at the landscape surrounding Castle Silverhill. The world the castle had moved to creaked under a mantle of snow and ice. Glaciers, like giant frost-scaled snakes, slithered from distant mountains. Threads of wind-whipped ice crystals streamed from their peaks like the wispy hair of geriatric witches.

    I shivered, but I didn’t want to retreat into the warmth of the kitchen just yet. There was something I needed to know. I ventured to the edge of the courtyard and, with a flap of my stubby wings, hopped onto the wall overlooking the moat.

    Already, ice was forming along the banks of the moat. The sluggish water stirred and a thick, sucker-studded tentacle emerged from the depths. It waved, as though tasting the air, then sank back beneath the ice-flecked surface.

    I couldn’t see Trewla.

    Had she found some way to cross the moat before the castle had moved?

    But how? The fairies wouldn’t have carried her, seeing as she had angered the queen and she was too large for them to carry, anyway. We have a rowing boat, but it’s locked in the boathouse. And hadn’t she said she didn’t swim?

    So, where was she?

    The thudding of heavy footsteps came from my left.

    “This is all your fault!” Trewla’s face was like thunder. Her boots stamped on the paving stones, which were already crusting over with frost.

    I’ve come to know Trewla much better since that day, and if I’d known then what I know about her now, I’d have been a lot more frightened.

    The transmogrification spell, which had turned me into a chicken, chose that moment to flip. You might be wondering about that, because like I explained earlier, it’s a bit difficult to say a spell backwards when all you have is beak, or whatever. Luckily for all of us who make a habit of casting spells, to get around that problem, a thousand years ago a wizard called Drucher invented a way to make transmogrification spells reverse themselves after a few hours or so. By sheer good fortune, the one that had lodged in my memory had Drucher’s modification built in.

    Which is why, with a sharp snap and a puff of mauve smoke, I morphed back into a three-inch tall human.

    My bare feet, which had been quite hardy when they’d been bird’s feet, burned with cold as they sank into the coating of snow on top of the wall. The wind pierced the thin dressing gown that abruptly replaced my warm coat of feathers.

    For a second, Trewla hesitated, then lunged towards me.

    “I can explain!” I yelled as her hand wrapped around my tiny body and lifted me to her face.

    For a moment, I thought she was going to eat me, but all she did was subject me to a full glare. Which, I have to say, was not a pleasant experience. I mean, think about it. A pair of scowling, inhuman eyes bigger than your head, staring at you with murderous intent, would be enough to turn anyone’s bowels to jelly.

    “Good,” she said. “Now you can talk again.” Her eyes hardened. “You’re going to tell me how I’m going to get home. You’re the lord of this castle, and I believe what Queen Amabilis said, it’s your fault it moves between worlds. You owe it to me to get me back to my world!”

    “I do?”

    “Yes! I saved your life.”

    At my quizzical look, she added, “Your cook would have chopped off your head if I hadn’t grabbed you.”

    “Oh… Right. Look, I’m happy to help, but first, why don’t we go inside?” I gasped when her grip tightened a fraction. “It’s freezing out here, and there’s a lot to explain.”

    Her eyes narrowed, then she nodded and carried me back into the kitchen.

    When Cook saw me, her eyebrows went up. “Oh. You’re human again. Well, sort of.”

    Trewla frowned. “What do you mean?”

    “Humans aren’t usually that small. He certainly isn’t.”

    “He shrank himself with a spell,” said Grimmon. He was sitting on a table by the fireplace. “It was supposed to shrink me too, but it didn’t. If it had, I could have kept him out of trouble.”

    “What?” My blood boiled. “Rubbish! You wouldn’t have-”

    “Be quiet!” snarled Trewla.

    My jaws snapped shut.

    “We came inside so you can explain how you’re going to get me out of this mess,” she continued. “You’d better get on with it before I lose my temper.”

    I furrowed my forehead. “Can I speak now?”

    “Yes. But don’t try to be clever, or I’ll…” With her free hand, she made a twisting motion in the air an inch above me. I had no hesitation believing she’d wrench off my head if I didn’t do as she asked.

    I squeaked. “All right!” With her hand wrapped around my body, she didn’t see me cross my fingers. “I’ll only be able to help you when I’m my normal size again.”

    “No. I like you how you are right now. Much easier to control.”

    Damn. I hadn’t expected her to argue.

    Grimmon grunted. “Well, he can’t do anything here in the kitchen to help you. His book of spells is in his studio.”

    “Yes,” I said. “Grimmon’s right. If you put me down, I’ll go there straight away and find a spell to help you.”

    “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to let you go. I’ll carry you to your studio to make sure you don’t get up to any nonsense.”

    “Oh… Um…” My mind raced, and I hatched an audacious plan: I could guide her into the maze of passages in the abandoned parts of the castle, and pretend we were lost. Then, when she tired and put me down, I could-

    “I’ll show you the way,” said Grimmon, interrupting my thoughts.

    I won’t bore you with the details about us setting off, Trewla complaining about the cold, and Grimmon detouring to pick up a cloak for her from an ancient trunk in the dusty room where a certain ancestor of mine had once lived. He told the elf he was sure the lady whose room it was wouldn’t mind, but the demise of a cobweb-laced oil lamp which lifted off a table all by itself, hung in the air for a second, then dashed itself against the wall, put paid to that notion. Poltergeists, eh?

    The rest of the journey was uneventful apart from having to explain to Trewla that, though we were walking down the stairs winding around the core of the central tower, we were actually climbing to the top of the tower where my studio was located. I’m not sure she believed us, but once we got there, she raised an eyebrow when she looked out of the window and saw the bird’s eye view of the snow-covered lands around the castle.

    While she was distracted by the view, I glanced at my desk. My heart thumped, and I stifled a gasp of relief. My spell book was still lying where I’d dropped it.

    And it was open. Hopefully on the page inscribed with the spell I’d cast to shrink myself.

    “Put me on the desk and I’ll look through the book for a spell to sort things out,” I said with as much nonchalance as I could muster.

    “Not only is that a bad idea because you’re too small to turn the pages yourself, but also, I don’t trust you.” said Trewla. “I’ll hold you over the book so you can see it while I do the page turning.”

    “No,” I squeaked, but I was too late. Trewla was already at the desk, holding me over the book.

    Her spare hand reached towards the book. I needed to see that spell before she turned the page.

    Fighting the panic rising from my gut, I twisted in her grasp, and leaned out as far as I could.

    With my neck stretched as far as it could go, I ran my eyes over the spell. I didn’t recognise it, but then, spells are written in a dead language that nobody understands anyway.

    It must be the spell of shrinking. It had to be.

    Gibbering with haste, I read it out loud backwards. My heart hammered as I spat out each arcane word.

    There was a flash and a swirl of orange smoke. Trewla yelled and dropped me.

    When the smoke cleared, I was lying on the floor. I felt big again.

    “Thatsssssss bether,” I said.

    Odd… My voice had a nasty hiss to it. I lifted my head and looked down my body.

    It was scaly, long, and completely without limbs.

    Grimmon shuffled closer, bent down and prodded my back with a taloned finger.

    “Python,” he said. “Or maybe a boa constrictor. Must be at least twelve feet long.” He straightened his back and wrinkled his bulbous nose. “I think I liked you better as a chicken.”

    Trewla stalked towards me. Her eyes were diamond hard and her face was like thunder.

    With an urgent flick of my tail, I slithered under the desk.

    ***

    The End

    Unpleasant Encounters with Fairies – Index of Episodes

  • Things Don’t Always Work Out How you Expect

    Things Don’t Always Work Out How you Expect

    Unpleasant Encounters with Fairies – Episode 9
    The fairies leave the castle

    When you want to reverse a spell, you say it backwards. Simple.

    But the problem with transmogrification spells is that it’s a little tricky to say anything at all, never mind backwards, when the creature you’ve turned yourself into isn’t capable of speaking.

    That was exactly the problem I had at that moment, cornered by a knife-wielding cook, a large fairy who’d wring my neck if she got to me before the cook did, and an enraged bunch of nasty fairies buzzing towards me.

    And, despite for once actually remembering the words of the transmogrification spell, all I had was a damned, non-vocalising beak.

    I know you’re thinking parrot have beaks and they’re pretty good at talking, but I can tell you from personal experience, that while a chicken’s beak is great for picking up worms, it isn’t worth a pinch of salt when it comes to casting spells, or telling a ferocious, cleaver-waving kitchen worker you aren’t who they think you are.

    Maybe turning myself into a wordless potential dinner hadn’t been such a great idea.

    “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaar!” I shrieked, paralysed, unsure which way to dodge.

    The airborne fairies reached me first, but I’d pecked one of them earlier and they were wary of me. They buzzed around my head, but kept their distance.

    A glint caught my eye. I screeched, dropped flat on my front, my head whacking on the table in a most un-chicken-like way. Cook’s cleaver skimmed through the feathers sticking up on my back.

    With my heart hammering, I lifted my head to see Trewla’s hands swooping in. My beak clamped shut, my eyes bulged, and my legs, torso and wings refused to move.

    Cook yelled, “Get out of the way!” She whipped her cleaver around for another blow.

    An instant before the blade fell, Trewla’s hands gripped my body and my breath whooshed out as she yanked me up and held me against her chest.

    At that moment, two things happened.

    The cleaver thudded into the tabletop.

    Trewla’s wings fell off.

    Apart from Cook’s grunts a she wrestled to free her cleaver embedded in the table, the kitchen fell silent. All but one of the fairies shot up to the ceiling. Queen Amabilis hovered in front of Trewla’s face.

    “Who are you?”

    “Er… A fairy?” said Trewla. I could feel her heart thudding, pressed as I was by her hands against her body. “Um, Trewla Thistledown. Remember?”

    “You told me your name was Trewla Buttercup.” The queen folded her arms and glanced at the wings lying on the floor at Trewla’s feet. “Fairy’s wings don’t tend to fall off. So, who are you?”

    Grimmon chose that moment to wander up, wiping grease from his face. He bent down and picked up one of the fallen wings. Broken strings dangled from the ends.

    “It’s cardboard,” he said, bending the wing and flicking it with a talon-like fingernail.

    “All right! I admit it. I’m not a fairy,” said Trewla. She held her head high, and tightened her grip on my feathered form. “I’m an elf.”

    “An elf?” Queen Amabilis glared at Trewla. “Why were you pretending to be a fairy?”

    “It’s a complicated story.”

    “Try me.”

    “Well… The thing is, we elves were curious about this castle. I mean, it appeared out of nowhere one night, but looks like it’s always been there. We wanted to find out why it was here, and where it had come from, so I volunteered to check it out. The trouble is, there’s no bridge across the moat, and I don’t swim, and elves aren’t keen on boats, so the most logical thing was to shrink me to the size of a fairy, and persuade you to go to the castle and carry me with you. I didn’t expect you to turn me back to my normal height and force me to hunt an annoying miniature human.”

    “Outrageous!” said Queen Amabilis. “If you think because you’re an elf I’ll treat you kindly, think again. You deceived us! On top of that, impersonating a fairy is a capital offence.” She held her arms out from her sides. Red, pulsating orbs formed in each of her outstretched hands. “It’s not just that pathetic toadstool-destroyer you’re holding who will die. You are going to perish with him!”

    “Awk!” I clucked. I closed my eyes, and buried my head in Trewla’s armpit.

    “Wait!” shouted Cook.

    I opened one eye.

    The burning orbs dimmed, and the queen turned her head to look at Cook. “What?”

    “Before you blast the elf, give me the chicken. It’ll make a fine supper for the lord of the castle.”

    Grimmon shook his head. “The chicken is the lord of the castle. I reckon you’ll have a hard time feeding him to himself.”

    Cook frowned. “Eh?”

    “Magic. He transmogrified himself into a Polish rooster.”

    “Tsk.” Cook shook her head, then waved her hand at Queen Amabilis. “Fair enough. Carry on.”

    The queen faced us. The burning orbs reappeared in her hands. I screwed my eye shut, and trembled.

    A roar, like a thousand distant waterfalls, erupted from the castle’s stones. The atmosphere vibrated with the sensation you get when you step into a field and see an enraged bull thundering towards you.

    I dared to open my eye.

    Queen Amabilis’ eyebrows leaped to the top of her head, and her arms dropped. More importantly, from my point of view, her hands were devoid of fireballs. The rest of the fairies muttered and hissed, fluttering around near the ceiling, their necks twisting as their gazes darted nervously around the kitchen.

    Grimmon sniffed, sidled closer, and peered through half-closed eyes at the fairy queen. “If I were you, I’d make a dash back across the moat right now. That sound you just heard happens when the castle is about to move. You’ve got a minute to get away before you get trapped here with us forever.”

    “No!” Amabilis thrust her arm out towards me and spread out her fingers. A bright red spot formed in her palm. “If I kill the rooster quickly, the castle will stay where it is.”

    “Too late, Your Majesty.” Grimmon gave her a wry smile. “Once you hear that sound, the castle’s started the process. It won’t stop until it’s moved to a new world, no matter what you do.”

    The roaring from the stones grew louder.

    “Less than a minute to go, now,” added Grimmon. “You’d better get going.”

    I could see the queen’s face going from puzzlement, to suspicion, to panic. She yelled, and the fairy host streaked out of the window, shrieking their heads off. With a snarl, Amabilis flew after them, yelling at them to slow down so she could catch up.

    Trewla let out the breath she’d been holding, dropped me and I flapped my wings to stop myself crashing into the floor. With a snarl, she sprang away, wrenched open the door that led into the kitchen’s courtyard, and hurtled outside.

    Grimmon scratched his head. “How does she think she’s going to get across the moat in time?”

    Then the walls, floor, ceiling, tables, people and all warped, twisted, shimmered, and blurred. It was like being inside a cosmic washing machine’s spin cycle.

    When everything became solid once more, I jumped to my feet and went out into the courtyard.

    A frozen landscape under seething grey skies greeted my eyes.

    I couldn’t see the fairies. They must have got away safely.

    But Trewla hadn’t. She was stalking towards me, her hands clenched into fists, her face twisted in a dark scowl.

    ***

    Continued in Part 10 – How to Deal with a Furious Elf

    Unpleasant Encounters with Fairies – Index of Episodes

  • The Magic of Chickens

    The Magic of Chickens

    Unpleasant Encounters with Fairies – Episode 8
    The Magic of Chickens

    Like I said, spells are treacherous beasts.

    The thing is, unless you speak the long dead language they’re written in, you don’t stand a marshmallow’s chance against a flamethrower of knowing exactly what’s going to happen when you cast one your subconscious drags from your memory and shoves into your mind.

    What I’d hoped, as the words had tumbled from my lips, was that the spell was the backwards version of the one I’d used to shrink myself.

    It wasn’t. The cloud of feathers gave that much away.

    I dropped my gaze to my feet.

    They were three-toed, red, and gnarled like clawed twigs.

    “Squawk!” I yelled.

    With a sinking feeling, I raised my arms, pretty sure what I was going to see.

    I was right.

    Wings.

    But not the elegant, slim, great-for-soaring-out-of-the-window sort. No, mine were short and broad like a couple of stumpy feathered fans.

    I’d turned myself into a chicken.

    Grimmon told me later, in his less than endearing pedantic way, he reckons I’d turned myself into a Polish rooster. I’m not sure how he knew because he wasn’t there at the time. At any rate, at that moment I had more important things to worry about than working out what breed I’d transmogrified into.

    My first thought, once I’d got over my shock, was to take advantage of what remained of those precious seconds of stupor affecting everyone else at my abrupt change, and dash to the crack in the wall I’d been heading for earlier.

    Filled with hope, I flicked my gaze away from Trewla and at the gap I hoped to escape through.

    My stomach sank to my knobbly toes. The crack was too narrow for my new fowl body.

    A movement caught my eye and the feathers on my neck lifted. Trewla, noticing my distraction, had crouched and was creeping towards me with her arms spread.

    I realised in an instant what was going on. I was no longer small enough to be stomped on. She was going to catch me and wring my scrawny neck.

    With another squawk, I leaped into the air, spun around, and ran. A bunch of fairies blocking my way went tumbling like ninepins as I thundered into them.

    I clucked in glee at their outraged yells. Maybe being a chicken had some advantages after all. Also, now that my legs were longer than they’d been only a minute ago, I might be able to outrun Trewla.

    The corridor took a sharp turn to the left, and I shot around it, my feet scrabbling for purchase on the hard stone floor. Fairies buzzed and whizzed overhead, screeching in rage and swooping at my head to put me off my stride. A quick stab from my beak sent one of them spinning away, clutching his arm. The others backed off, wary of my wild eyes and slashing bill.

    “Take that, you nasty little twerps!”, I shouted. Or at least, I tried to, but all that came out of my throat was a series of maddened cackles.

    It didn’t matter that I couldn’t hurl abuse at the fairies. In my opinion, things had take a turn for the better. Sure, it would have been preferable if my spell had turned me into an eagle, a hawk, or even a starling, but at that moment I wasn’t complaining.

    The hammering of Trewla’s feet, and the rasping of her breath was still uncomfortably close behind me. Another bend, this one to the right, took me into a corridor slightly less dusty than the last.

    My heart lifted. With a flash of clarity, I knew where I was. I wasn’t heading to my studio, where my spell book lay, but to the kitchen. Although that was disappointing, on the other hand Cook would be in the kitchen. And quite likely Grimmon would be there too. The moment the moss had disappeared, that’s where he would have gone, greedy goblin that he is.

    They would protect me from the fairies.

    The kitchen door grew closer. I crowed in delight when I saw it was open.

    I put on a spurt of speed and, wailing like a feathered banshee, burst into the kitchen.

    As I’d expected, Grimmon was there. He was sitting by the window, stuffing his face with what appeared to be a roasted rat. His fingers were dripping in grease, and he was so engrossed in his meal, he didn’t notice me.

    He’d be no help, then.

    I swung my head around.

    Cook? Where’s Cook?

    There was no sign of her, but she isn’t always visible, so I wasn’t too worried at that point. I mean, she hardly ever left the kitchen as far as I knew. Even slept there, I think.

    Not being able to see her wasn’t unusual. Between you and me, it was due to the unintended consequences of a spell I cast some years ago when I’d been searching for a lost magic spoon. I never found the spoon, but a side effect of the spell was that Cook ended up being two dimensional. A bit like a paper doll.

    Front on, she looked like a normal person who spends all their time preparing food, what with her floury hands, apron, black hair tucked under a cap, sharp nose and chin. But sideways on she was really thin. I mean, like nonexistent thin. So thin she was invisible.

    I knew I’d see her when she turned around.

    What I hadn’t expected, though, was that when she did, she’d have a meat-cleaver in her hand.

    “I’d been wondering what to make his lordship for dinner, and look what the fates sent me!” she yelled as she swung the cleaver at my neck.

    I screamed, jumped out of the way, and flapped my stubby little wings.

    When the dust cleared, I was standing on a table in the corner of the room. Cook was pacing towards me from my right. Trewla was stomping closer from my left, and swarm of angry fairies were zooming straight at me in front.

    I was doomed.

    ***

    Continued in Part 9 – Things Don’t Always Work Out How You Expect

    Unpleasant Encounters with Fairies – Index of Episodes