The Ghastly Exchange – Episode 4

“Are you sitting comfortably?” Virrellenta’s chuckle was throaty and not particularly reassuring. “Of course you are. It’s not like you would know if you weren’t.”

She was right. Not being able to move a muscle or feel a thing below one’s neck tended to have that effect.

“Who are you?” My voice came out in a croak. “What are you doing to me?”

“Ah. Two separate questions hurled at me at once. You must be upset.”

“Upset?” I shrieked. “That’s putting it mildly! You’re not who you said you were and your manservant is about to conduct a fiendish experiment on me!”

“It’s not an experiment at all. But we’ll get to that later.” Virrellenta leant back in her chair. She seemed to be enjoying herself. “As to who I am… I told you the truth. I really am a countess and my name is Virrellenta. Although, I confess I excluded a rather pertinent piece of information.”

“Which is?”

She gazed down her nose at me. “I am a vampire.”

My eyebrows lifted. Those oddities I’d noticed made sense now. Her long canine teeth… The patrons at the coffee shop all hurrying away when she arrived…

“You’ll not have a drop of my blood! I absolutely forbid it!” I would have clenched my fists if I’d been able to move my hands.

“Oh, come now. You’re hardly in a position to deny me that pleasure. However, you needn’t worry. I’m after a far greater prize.”

That got up my nose. Whose blood could be more desirable than the noble stuff flowing through my veins? Not Grimmon’s, surely? His isn’t even red for goodness sake.

I grunted as Igor fussed about the upside-down brass bowl he’d strapped on my head. I couldn’t see what he was doing, but he appeared to be fiddling with the wires attached to the cursed thing. I tried to ignore him and concentrate my ire on Virrellenta.

“What are you talking about?” I said.

“I know you are not from this world.”

My mouth dropped open, but I recovered quickly. It wouldn’t do at all for her follow that line. Things had never gone well on the few occasions the locals of other worlds had come to the same conclusion.

“How dare you? Of course I am! How could I not be?” I put a degree of indignation and disdain into my voice in the hope it would put her off the subject.

She clapped her hands in delight. “Oh, I do love how you become even more arrogant when cornered.” She leaned forward and patted my knee, though I couldn’t feel a thing. “We’re going to have such fun.”

She settled back in her chair and crossed her legs. “You must be curious how I know so much about you.” Without waiting for a reply, she continued. “I can’t take the credit for finding out. It was all down to my faithful assistant, Igor.”

That worthy bent down so I could see his face below the bowl’s rim. He grinned and waved.

He straightened and resumed fussing around the bowl while Virrellenta carried on speaking.

“Igor and I met under rather unusual circumstances. I rescued him from a mob, which I’m sure you’ll agree, isn’t typical behaviour you’d expect from a vampire.” She chuckled. “Let me explain. The mob had already done away with his master – a mad scientist – and Igor had gone on the run. An hour before nightfall, they caught up with him in my garden, and set about him with sticks and boots. They’d already knocked him unconscious and would have beaten him to a pulp if I hadn’t stepped in.” Her face was the most animated I’d seen it. “Being a vampire certainly has its advantages. They fled as soon as I stepped outside my front door.”

The instant I opened my mouth to speak, Igor shoved a wooden wedge between my teeth. “Don’t want you biting off your tongue when we start,” he said, fastening the wedge in place with a cord he tied around my neck.

“I have to confess I didn’t rescue Igor out of any sense of altruism,” went on Virrellenta while all I could do was moan and roll my eyes in horror. “I did so because I was hungry. What with humans getting more practical year after year, things have become difficult for us vampires. People have become so tiresome. They don’t go outside after dark any longer, which is the only time we vampires can feed. I mean, what are they thinking? It’s so underhand.” She sighed. “Anyway, it was nearly night. My fangs had lengthened and were aching to sink into the neck of the man I’d saved… But I held back. I’d sensed there was something different about him. Something that could be useful to me.”

“You’re mad!” I wanted to say, but all that came out around the piece of wood filling my mouth was a garbled croak.

Virrellenta lifted her arm, extended her forefinger and placed it alongside her cheek. She was clearly one of those villains who admire their own cleverness and like nothing more than to drone on about themselves at length.

“You see,” said Virrellenta, ignoring my outraged expression, “What I sensed in Igor was a rare talent: a rather useful ability to combine science with magic. He was exceptionally unusual seeing as the human society of this world abandoned magic over a century ago.” She regarded me for a moment. “We formed a partnership where he develops devices that lull humans into my clutches, while I keep him safe from harm. Our alliance has worked well for years, but lately things have changed. Humans have developed instruments of their own that counteract Igor’s.”

All claptrap as far as I was concerned. The important thing, from my point of view, was what she and her vile assistant had in store for me.

However, I had no choice but to listen as she continued.

“You can imagine how intrigued I was when Igor informed me this morning that one of his devices had detected a huge burst of magic. Further investigation revealed it had been caused by the arrival of an enchanted castle in our world.” Her eyes burned with zeal. “A castle which jumps from one world to the next every fortnight! Do you have any idea what that means to me?”

I gurgled a rude but unintelligible reply around the wedge, but she nodded and took it as encouragement to continue.

“Exactly! Freedom! I was saved! All I had to do was get rid of you and take over your castle. Then I’d have a continuous supply of fresh prey. Think of it! World after world where people don’t know how to protect themselves from me.”

Had I been able to speak I would have pointed out that not every world has a human population.

Besides which, I think the spell that moves the castle is linked to me… I’m not sure Castle Silverhill will go anywhere without me.

As that last thought ran through my mind, I breathed easier. She couldn’t risk killing me.

Then my heart sank. She wasn’t to know that. Gagged as I was, how was I to tell her?

I tried to attract her attention by moaning and rolling my eyes, but she ignored me and carried on with her monologue.

“When you left your castle this afternoon, Igor’s array of instruments tracked you and read your mind, which is why I knew your name – and more – when we met. After that, your inflated ego made it child’s play to lure you here. It helped that Igor took the precaution of using a device of his making to soothe your suspicions.”

Numbed though it was, by body trembled. The fiendish bowl strapped to my head was going to kill me by frying my brains. I was sure of it.

Virrellenta steepled her fingers. “After reading your mind, I have been forced to accept a small adjustment to my plan. It seems killing you might end your castle’s world hopping behaviour.”

My eyes lit up. So she knew after all. I was saved.

“Don’t be disappointed. Igor has come up with an alternative plan that, I have to say, is brilliant. The instrument strapped on your head is going to swap your mind with his.”

*** Continued in episode 5 ***

The Ghastly Exchange – Index of Episodes